Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
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Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait