[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My dad is at it again
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus