I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
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What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies