If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
You Might Also Like
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
#JohnTravolta
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
boat question
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.