Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
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My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.