“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
A customer told me they were never coming back….