He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
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One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Whoa 😂
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.