I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.