“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.