You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Why is everyone getting married at me
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*