me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
You Might Also Like
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.