[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.