Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
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If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭