It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
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Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.