doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.