Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
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me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.