INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.