Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
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therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.