Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
You Might Also Like
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat