Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume