[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.