[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
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Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.