[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
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Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no