I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
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[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I don’t think my car can fly
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
6: are snakes just neck?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo