Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
You Might Also Like
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
It was worth a shot 😂
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.