[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
True freaking story!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
men, we mow at sunrise.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!