I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“I FIXED IT!”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*