I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
You Might Also Like
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
just witnessed a drug deal
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.