Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
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My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
HELP 😭
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
forgive me baja for i have blast
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
classic mixup
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!