Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!