So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college