[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
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Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
PLOT TWIST:
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.