*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
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When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
what’s really going on
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute