I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
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Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10