My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
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I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
asking santa clause for nudes
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese