I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
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Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
hmmm
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST