911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I drew y’all a little something.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.