Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
You Might Also Like
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!