when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
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This is my brand.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe