No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
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you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.