You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]