I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I was just discussing this with my cat
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid