Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
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my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.