I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
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I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
hmmm
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that