I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
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Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Woke up against my better judgement again
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass