FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
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Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
CRYING
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something