Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’