For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver