A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
😆this is so true
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.