Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
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sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
*jingles half the way*
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine